At Crossroads

Surprises are surprises. The good ones take you to the moon. And the bad ones? The bad ones unsettle you.

I guess the bad ones are the way life tests you.

When you are having the best of job satisfaction, it can happen that the project will close down.

When you are having a ball while extending a fascinating architecture of some embedded system and adding a new difficult feature to it, it can happen that your higher ups wont appreciate the level of difficulty faced because you didnt cry about it while getting the job done.

When you are working on a project that you like, and alongside pursuing a masters course through your organization, it can happen that you are asked to compromise on something that doesnt go with your earn-by-doing-what-you-love philosophy. If you say no to that added non-technical responsibility, which by the way pays you peanuts in return, you are deemed irresponsible, unprofessional and unfit for a lead job, irrespective of your abilily.

It's not really the jeopardized promotion-to-lead-role that bothers you; afterall it's a rat-race. But they are those unfair fingers raised against your professionalism and work-ethics that unsettle you. They are those doubts, misconstrued by mixing two different contexts together, about your ability to take responsibilities, that make you wonder if you are at the right place, working for the right people?

Hundreds of questions raise their heads. What is your identity? disposable labour? who makes your decisions? what are you working for, money? are those EMIs driving your decisions? why stick to the same organization when you dont feel good anymore? are you looking for stability already? where have those entrepreneurial dreams gone? why are you doing something against your wishes? what will you be doing amongst computers? answering support calls on weekends? is that what you joined IT for?

Pointed questions these। Hard to answer. Hard to ignore. On one hand you have committed yourself to a masters course, which is vital in that larger picture that you have drawn, and which requires you to stay at the same organization at least till the course completes; while on the other hand, in your organization, you are being forced to do some compromise that affects your self-image. What do you do? दगडाखाली सापडलेला हात सोडवायचा तरी कसा?

Should I be writing all this in a public blog? Well, why not? This is my *personal* blog afterall. Why always write some goody-goody stuff? Why not use it to pour your own emotions once in a while? Who knows, someone might resonate.

I know it all sounds mighty loaded. Probably this surprise has spurred a kind of quarter-life crisis in me. In any case, this is another crossroad in my life which needs attention and some thoughtful decision making. Fingers crossed.